New Year’s Resolutions are a Waste of Time

I have been saying this for years: New Year’s Resolutions set you up for failure and feeling sh**ty about yourself. The resolutions people make are usually about fixing themselves and their lives, based on “there is something wrong here” or even worse, “there is something wrong with me.” It is a losing proposition that doesn’t usually produce the results we seek, nor the sense of commitment, pride, and accomplishment we deserve. Instead, focus on getting clear about what you want -- based on values and personal purpose/meaning -- and then create goals that support that. Create a living, breathing plan for the coming year that you adjust as you evolve and discover more about yourself. Don’t do this all or nothing approach that comes with resolutions.

I believe it important to set yourself up to win. I have an exercise that I do personally, and assign to my clients every year called Looking Back, Looking Forward. It can be done at New Year’s and/or at birthdays (personal new year) and is designed to help you begin your year with energy and excitement. It is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation. So, let’s dive in and start with…

Looking Back

Begin by reflecting on what you have accomplished and learned this past year, so that you can powerfully complete it with honesty and celebration. We so often want to charge ahead into “what’s next” without taking the time to consider all that it has taken to get us here. Who were we being that allowed us to create the successes and lessons? What did we do that gave us all we have? If we don’t take the time to acknowledge this, we miss out on honoring ourselves and our actions…and feel like we are always pushing ahead toward an elusive finish line that never shows itself.

Find a quiet spot to write or type without interruptions. This may be in your home, a peaceful location where you feel at one with yourself, or even a coffee shop. Relax and reflect, without judgment, and record your thoughts. Consider these questions:

1. What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
2. What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
3. What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
4. What did you learn this year?
5. What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Below are some topics that you may want to include (for both parts of this exercise) so that you can broaden your scope beyond career, money, and health:

• Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
• Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
• Health: mental, physical
• Relationship: friends, family
• Love: romance, partnership, dating
• Personal growth
• Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
• Community: contribution, involvement
• Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
• Fun and recreation
• Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
• Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
• Miracles: something amazing and unexpected…

Try to write down at least 2-3 items in each area, but you may find yourself putting down dozens of successes and lessons. You may also consider working with someone close to you to help capture things that you are forgetting about. Then choose to celebrate the year in some way. It can be something like purchasing a gift for yourself, or it can be an action that doesn’t cost a dime. Whatever way you choose to recognize what you have achieved, the most important part is you consciously take the action with celebration in mind. Some examples may be taking a bath, making a toast or a special meal at home, or even going for a long walk.

Looking Forward

This portion of the exercise is about creating a vision of what you want to be/do/have for the coming year. Think about who you are, what you value, and what is most important to you. Consider what you dream about, who you want to be, and what kinds of activities you would like to participate in.

Then write down, in each of the areas listed above, a few goals and milestones for the coming year. Some are continuations of something you have already been doing (keep smoke-free, continue going to the gym 2x a week), or might be new activities (be open to taking risks, take a vacation). Don’t get too bogged down in the “how” just yet. Just allow yourself the space to be creative and think outside the “fixing” toward what your heart truly wants. Refer to this article for a little assistance. Remember this is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation.

Some tips:

• Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
• Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching." Consider this article when writing this.
• Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
• Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
• Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

Now What?

You have reflected on the past year, you have celebrated and put it to bed, and you have created goals and milestones for the coming year. The next step is: action. Remember, these are not New Year’s Resolutions; rather, they are part of your short and long term plans based on who you are and what you really want. Now is the time to jump in. Here are some suggestions for initiating and keeping your goals alive for yourself:

1. Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.
2. Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.
3. Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. Hire a coach. You don’t have to go it alone!
4. Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it.
5. Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. See more explanation of this HERE. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.

You Are Exactly Where You Are Supposed To Be…

…because that is where you are. These words came out of my mouth with a client today, and I was reminded how true it is for all of us to keep in mind. There are many times when we think to ourselves: Why am I here? Shouldn’t I be somewhere else? Shouldn’t I be, do or have something different at this point in my life?

The reality is: you are on a path. You may not be entirely clear where that path is leading, but there is something crucial about the experiences you are having right now. A year from now, you will look back and say: At this time last year, I was going through X and I learned A, B, and C, that got me to where I am today. Trust that, and know that throughout your life, it has always been that way...and it has always worked out in a direction that allowed you to learn crucial information. Your unique journey is necessary for your own growth, discovery of self, and manifestation of goals and dreams.

Cut yourself some slack. Stop focusing on the “shouldas” and focus on the present. Give yourself permission to take stock in where you currently find yourself, and ask: What am I learning? What’s important to me? What are my values and am I honoring them? What do I want to create?

And if you are unable to take an objective, 30,000 foot view of your situation, share it with a trusted friend, family member, or coach. Their points of view (taken with a “grain of salt”) may spark some new thoughts, choices, or direction for reflection. Journal, collage, or just talk it out. But be sure to stop, look, and listen to what life is telling you. Have faith that it’s all happening this way because these are essential lessons for what’s coming next on your path.

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• Define SMART goals
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• Identify your core values
• Recognize your disabling self-talk
• Find clarity and balance

Testimonials from June Workshop:

• "I feel much more positive about my life in general. I'm happier."
  
• "I think the structure and pace of the class can help people...in most any area of their lives. It also provides people with an opportunity to reflect on where they are and where they want to go."
• "This class opened up tons of ideas and opportunities for growth!"
• "I'm really starting to feel empowered about setting goals and making good choices for myself...I accomplished a really big goal for myself and am now on the right path..."
• "Judah is particularly good at drawing out answers by asking the right questions in a non-threatening or intimidating manner."

WHEN: Thursdays 7:00pm-8:30pm
October 29 and November 5, 12 & 19

WHERE: Center on Halsted
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COST: $195
$20 off before October 15

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Registration (After October 15) $195.00 Early Bird Registration (Before October 15) $175.00

Judah S. Kurtz - Coaching & Consulting - Since 2000, Judah Kurtz has provided life and business coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to help them find clarity, success and fulfillment. He has expertise in career development, effectiveness, motivation, leadership, and organization and communication skills. He holds degrees and certifications in psychology, training, and organizational development from Northwestern University, has extensive coaching training, and has over fifteen years of experience working with corporate leadership.

Help Me Finish My Thesis – Complete My Short Survey!

Get some good karma by helping me finish my thesis!! It will only take 10 minutes to complete this short online survey.

I am conducting a research study that examines what connections may exist between values, vocational choice, and happiness. As a professional coach and consultant, I believe this research is relevant not only to individuals in their personal and professional lives, but to organizations and how they can best engage, develop, manage, and retain their people. This research project is the foundation of my thesis and the culmination of my Master’s degree at Northwestern University, in Learning and Organizational Change.

I would be grateful if you could provide your input by participating in this short online survey. It is interesting, fun and really does take only 10 minutes to complete. Click on the link below (or copy and paste it into your web browser). The survey must be completed by Friday, October 2.

http://msloc.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_42RyyJnvbQM7Q5m&SVID=Prod

I am trying to get as many contributors as possible (large data set), so please share this with your friends and colleagues (note: they need to be adults over age 18 that reside in the United States).

Should you elect to participate, your individual results will be kept confidential, and you will be welcome to view the study’s results upon its conclusion in late-fall 2009.

Thank you so much for your help!

Surrendering to The Burning Man

I bought my ticket. I coordinated my travel. I planned my costumes and bleached my hair. My gear was packed and I was ready to embark on the journey called Burning Man 2009. I read everything I could find on others’ experiences and recommendations for making the most of the Burning Man experience. And nothing could adequately prepare me for what awaited me in the desert… and more importantly, within myself.

What is Burning Man?

For those who are unfamiliar with what Burning Man is, begin HERE and explore the articles and galleries for a taste. Started in the mid-80s in the Bay Area, the event has evolved to roughly 40-50k people descending upon an ancient lakebed (called “The Playa”) in the Nevada desert for eight days of full self-expression without judgment.

Everyone’s experience is completely different. Some camp in tents, others in RVs – in smaller camps of 10 people to larger camps of 100+. There are mohawked children; hundreds of bicycles ( one of the few sanctioned modes of transportation); frequent nudity and various forms of sexual exploration; theme camps where you can find grilled cheese sandwiches at 4am (Black Rock City Diner), a call to paint on canvas walls (Picasso Camp) or a chance to make your own set of decorative horns for your head/hat (Horny Camp); gay and lesbian AA meetings; hundreds of “art cars” in the shapes of dragons, giant ships or anything that can be placed on wheels (many shooting out giant flames to everyone’s great excitement); a Temple where people inscribe and place dedications to deceased loved ones that is burned to the ground on the last night; and everything else you can possibly think of. And of course, there's the burning of the Man itself. It all happens here -- some of the art/performances/activities/themes painstakingly planned, some haphazardly devised last minute (but with passion and enthusiasm). Think quantum creativity… squared. Many come for the art, exhibits, music and experience of community, while others come for the hedonism… or all these things and more.

The one thing everyone has in common is what is termed “radical self-reliance” – on multiple levels. Surviving the heat and dust (wind storms!!) of the Playa is no easy feat. You must bring in all your own camping gear, food, water, and supplies. You must be conscious of not only your fluid and food intake (and sunscreen protection!), but also of what waste you create and how you will dispose of it. What you bring in, you must depart with. Anything considered MOOP (Matter Out Of Place) must not be left on the Playa – as it is everyone’s mission to leave the environment exactly as s/he found it. Crews of volunteers spend a couple of weeks following everyone’s departure tearing down the temporary Black Rock City and combing the desert for every last nail and cigarette butt, every stray boa feather and clump of glitter, so that we “leave no trace” of our borrowing of the Playa.

This self-reliance extends beyond the physical. There are the mental and spiritual experiences of being out in the desert, out of comfort zones, and of traveling the inner journey that everyone inevitably experiences – whether they are aware of it at the time or not. And there is the social piece – of not only participating and finding the right groove and niches that fit for where the traveler is at that point in their lives, but of coordinating, pooling resources, and contributing to the overall experience of the other participants. Upon meeting new people (from the minute I arrived), I was greeted with a hug and “Welcome Home.” “Community” is a huge focus. No money is exchanged on the Playa (beyond purchase of ice for coolers, and the occasional chai tea at Center Camp). Barter and gifting is the culture, and offering to pay for anything can be considered an insult and contrary to the “spirit of Burning Man.” If you need it, someone has it and is more than willing to provide it to you (just in time!) with a generous heart, open hands, and a loving smile. Whether it is a D battery, a bloody Mary, a bandage and Neosporin, or a hug.

My Journey

This year's theme was "Evolution" -- fitting for how I view my experience of life -- an evolution of self and world. Personally, I saw this 10-day “vacation” as an experiment. I am attracted to new experiences, and getting out of my own comfort zones. However, this was to be on a totally different plane. I was going to be traveling with three friends from Chicago, and would be camping with roughly 40 new friends – among 40,000 others. Those close to me were surprised I was going to be doing this, and some even had their doubts that I would be able to handle the heat, dust, and craziness of the experience. While I was curious about how I would handle it myself, I knew I would just dive in and go with it.

As a coach, I could not help but set some intentions for the journey I was to embark upon. I wanted to be present, open to the adventure and was eager to find new ways of expressing myself. I also wanted to be willing to “receive.” I’m a “giver,” so the idea of others simply offering anything to me without expectation was something I wanted to be a part of. And more specifically, I saw this as a vision quest and an opportunity to shed many layers of who I know myself to be and “be with” what is possible for myself and for others… to know myself and my brothers on an entirely new level.

At this point in my life, I am closing some chapters and beginning some new ones. I am wrapping up the last of my formal education -- after roughly 30+ years in various levels of graduate and professional training. I am examining where I want to take my career next. I am exploring how I would like to continue my work in the HIV/AIDS arena. And I’m getting a feel for where I want to call “home” at this juncture in my life. Add all this transition and change to how I view myself personally and socially, and who I want to be in the world in terms of making the kind of impact I was born to make… well, it’s a lot to consider. So, Burning Man was my opportunity to hit “pause” while hitting “fast-forward” at the same time.

While out in the desert, I learned the value of surrender and appreciation. I learned how to be with whatever was put in front of me and to embrace the beauty of it. Whether it was being with my filthy, dust-filled tent (and sleeping bag); celebrating the various forms of public nudity and hedonism around me; deeply connecting with other kind souls; riding a three-story Astroturf-covered slide on a piece of cardboard and taking a chunk of skin off my elbow at 3am; dancing all night and seeing yet another sunrise; doing multiple costume changes throughout the day; eating random bacon slices from a neighboring camp; or thoroughly enjoying a quick shower out in the open (as a break from baby wipes and hand sanitizer) without shame or embarrassment – this was my Burning Man experience. And this does not even capture 10% of what it is all about – for me or anyone else I know.

Now that I’m back, I’ve been gradually reflecting on my journey. I am only just unpacking the experience, and more insight will occur as I continue to participate in life back in the Matrix. Not only was surrender a huge part of it, but so was recognition of my own power -- to survive, be self-sufficient and self-reliant, to receive openly, to give generously (even a stick of gum is an act of generosity when it comes from the heart and is well-intentioned), and to be a part of a community of like-minded, like-spirited people. Burning Man is not for everyone, but I will say proudly that I can now call myself a “Burner” who will eagerly return to the Playa for a completely new adventure.

I saw the face of God while I was out one night in the desert. His face appeared as a sparkling, winking eye (probably Venus or the North Star) surrounded by clouds shaped into a warm, loving grin. He spoke to me: “This is all for you, skeptical one. This experience was created for you and by you so that you will know the Truth. Know that anything is possible, because everything is within you and without you. You have My power and strength because you are Me and I am you. You are never alone because we are One.” In that moment, I felt my heart soften and open even further. And I was at peace as I set out on foot toward the thumping bass in the distance.

Make Self-ishness a Priority

True, lasting success comes only to those who place themselves first. This may sound selfish -- and it is intended to. Being “self”-ish ensures that you have the strength, energy, and health (physical, mental, spiritual) within yourself to stand firmly so that you have the strength, energy and health to give of yourself to all that you want to be/do in your life. Just like placing the oxygen mask over your face before assisting another on an aircraft, it is important to provide yourself the sustenance you need first so that you don’t black out before you have a chance to make the impact you are intending. The “self” is where you must focus first.

Self-care is the most important thing you can do for others, and the most crucial piece to achievement. When you race at blinding speeds, running your motor for long stretches without a break, you can overheat and end up losing the momentum and distance you have created. It is essential that you keep your engine in optimal condition, filled with petrol, oil, and water, so that you don’t run the risk of grinding to a dangerous halt before you reach your destination.

Self-ishness requires that you consider where you are putting your time and energy. Do you do-do-do without taking the time to replenish your energy stores? Are you feeling tired, stretched, and maybe even unfulfilled? Are you continually saying “yes” because you feel like you should, or that you will fail if you don’t? Do you resist saying “no” because you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or risk looking bad?

It is time to take a look at your commitments and see if they are still in alignment with what you really want and who you want to be. Evaluate all you are saying “yes” and “no” to in your life. These may include commitments at work and home, in your social life, or even in your love life. Consider distractions as well, such as physical or mental clutter (e.g., a messy living space, expired relationships, etc.) as areas where you may also be saying “yes/no.” Take the Wheel of Life assessment to identify how satisfied you are with various areas of your life.

Take an honest look at what is working and not working – what you are committed to and what you are merely tolerating. This is the time when you need to consider creating some boundaries for yourself and others. Your objective is to use your time and energy only for what you care about; otherwise, clear it out and make space for what is really important to you.

To be our best selves, we have to make the investment. Commit to honoring your values. Share what you want and what you are up to with with others to gain support, encouragement, and accountability. Ask for help if you need it, and don't be afraid to partner with others to reinforce your growth and contribute to theirs. Be vigilant about carving out time for self-care – whether that is dedicated relaxation time, a dental appointment, reading for pleasure, or even a session with a coach or therapist. Put it on your calendar and treat it with the same importance as you would a meeting with your boss.

When you are conscious about who you want to be and where you want to put your time and energy, you are setting yourself up to win. It is only by taking care of yourself first that you will truly be effective, fulfilled and energized. Make self-ishness a priority so you can be your best self in all areas of your life.

Channeling Pollyanna

I will be the first to admit that being called “Pollyanna” is not usually a compliment, connoting someone who is excessively and even blindly optimistic. I have found the idea of Pollyannaism to be annoying and unrealistic. However, I recently happened across the film (based on the book by Eleanor Porter) on cable, and was able to see it with new eyes. Pollyanna was a young girl who came to a small, uptight town after her parents died and ended up making a huge difference in people’s lives. She helped them to see another point of view – a more positive one that better served them. And in the end, they were grateful and returned the favor by coming to her side when she was in need of love and support after a debilitating accident that crushed her spirits.

Pollyanna is about perspective. She played the “Glad Game,” which involved taking a bad situation or issue and asking the question, “What can we find that’s good about this?” It’s not about making up something that is not true, or about ignoring the realities. It is about acknowledging what may be so, and taking it a step further by shifting focus and attitude toward something positive.

I have been playing with this for a few weeks and have found that there are so many default perspectives I have going on within me that tend to focus on the negative. While they may help highlight areas where caution is needed (warning), or where empathy toward another is warranted (when the situation involves someone else), these points of view only get me so far. What I’m most interested in is how can I take heed, but create a more positive outlook at the same time? I believe in the power of choice. When presented with a situation where I may have a variety of points of view, I want to choose a perspective that empowers me.

There has been a lot of press about the Law of Attraction. In essence, it says “like attracts like.” Our thoughts, as demonstrated in quantum physics, have the power to shape our experiences and the world around us. So, if we think negatively about something (e.g., “I’ll never get out of debt” or “I know I’m going to screw this up”), we tend to get exactly what our mental vibration is putting out. In contrast, if we focus on the more affirming perspective (e.g., “There is an abundance of money out there and I just need to find it” or “I am a strong, intelligent person who will do an excellent job here”), we are more likely to attract that. This could also be explained simply by the power of our own beliefs – when we believe we can or can’t, we’re usually right.

If the Law of Attraction or Pollyanna sound hokey or completely out in left field, consider this: Wouldn’t it be better to go through our days feeling good about our experiences, to channel something positive, and to open our eyes to what’s possible? Wouldn’t we rather choose a perspective that allows our minds to refocus on what’s amazing in our lives versus what’s missing and broken? I challenge you to practice playing with positive perspectives and affirmations every day for a week and see how your attitude and experience shift.

Need a JUMP-START? Join this Powerful 4-Session Experience in Chicago -- Led by 2 Life Coaches!!

Dissatisfied?
Feeling stuck?
Need a change?
Not sure what to do?

Create the fulfilling life you have always wanted. Get a Jump-Start!

• Discover what you want and how to get it
• Define SMART goals
• Design strategies for using your time and energy more effectively
• Identify your core values
• Recognize your disabling self-talk
• Find clarity and balance

WHEN: Thursdays 7:00pm-8:30pm
June 18 & 25 and July 2 & 9

WHERE: Center on Halsted
3656 N. Halsted St., Chicago

COST: $165
$20 off before May 31

For more information contact Judah Kurtz.

JUMP-START 4-Session Workshop

Registration (After May 31) $165.00 Early Bird Registration (Before May 31) $145.00

Your Life Coaches:

Judah S. Kurtz - Coaching & Consulting - Since 2000, Judah Kurtz has provided life and business coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to help them find clarity, success and fulfillment. He has expertise in career development, effectiveness, motivation, leadership, and organization and communication skills. He holds degrees and certifications in psychology, training, and organizational development from Northwestern University, has extensive coaching training, and has over fifteen years of experience working with corporate leadership.

Power of Three Coaching - Jennifer Foster is a Professional Life Coach and founder of Power of Three Coaching. With thirteen years of experience in corporate human resources, she became a Life Coach in order to make a generous contribution and have a positive impact on others. She received her Co-Active Coaching certificate from The Coaches Training Institute and is currently undergoing training for the industry standard coaching certification as a CEC (Core Energy Coach) through iPEC.

Declaring YES and NO

Many of us are in the habit of squelching our true desires and living by someone else’s rules. Saying what we want and don’t want can sometimes be one of the hardest things a person can do. As children, many of us were told what to do, how to act, to keep our heads down and our mouths shut, and we accepted these directives as guides for “appropriate” behavior.

As adults, we often continue to live like this without identifying and saying what is true for us today. Being good boys and girls takes precedence over our real desires out of not wanting to offend, create conflict, risk censure, or venture too far outside of comfort zones. There are many costs to this approach to life – specifically, full self-expression and living life on our own terms. As adults, it is our duty to live in alignment with our values…and that starts with getting clear.

There is nothing selfish about identifying our wants and needs and making them known. There is nothing wrong with creating boundaries with people in our lives (personal, professional, romantic). By defining our desires and creating parameters in the world, we are shaping our experience. We are being true to what is important to us, standing up for ourselves, and taking responsibility for creating versus reacting to our world. And we are modeling behavior for others by giving them permission to do this for themselves.

This starts with the act of declaration. Declare what you want and don’t want by identifying what you are willing to say YES to and what you are willing to say NO to. These statements will be pretty obvious when you look at your common complaints or challenges, or even where you notice where you have a strong commitment to something or someone.

Start with the statement: “I declare I am saying [YES/NO] to...”

For example, in the area of money, a YES statement might look like: I declare I am saying YES to putting $50 a week into my savings account. In the same category, a NO statement might look like: I declare I am saying NO to going over my budget each month. In relationships, it may be “YES to giving love without condition” and “NO to going to bed angry.”

Create a list with 5-10 YES and NO declarations in each category. Look over the various areas of the Wheel of Life to get some ideas for categories. Some suggestions: Career, Money, Relationships, Family, Time Management, and Health.

By getting clear and declaring what you want and don’t want, you are raising your level of awareness and giving yourself the possibility of choice in the moment. When next confronted with something that counters your wants/needs/declarations, it will be more obvious to you what choice you really want to make. You can choose to honor your declaration, or continue to act unconsciously with knee-jerk responses.

How Do I Know What I Think Until I Hear What I Say?

This paraphrase of an EM Forster quote is one of my favorite questions, because it points to the importance and value of getting thoughts out of your head and into word form. It is not until we are forced to articulate our ideas that they take real shape and we can gain clarity around what our thoughts are really about.

I am a huge advocate of journaling, and have been doing it regularly for over two decades. It has allowed me to process through emotions, frustrations, blocks, and to even brainstorm and plan strategically. So many of the exercises I do as a coach require identifying and generating current and new thoughts – and recording them. If you are more visual, mind mapping is a useful technique for organizing ideas in a productive way.

Another approach I use a lot is dialogue. I sit down with a friend, or my coach, and deeply and honestly talk through what I’m thinking. It is particularly important for the person to be someone trustworthy and who has skill in listening and asking good questions. Working with a coach is one of the most powerful relationships out there for creating this experience. However you choose to approach this, just having someone to share with can make a huge difference.

Have you ever noticed that when you get something out of your head (off your shoulders/chest), you often gain insight or clarity? You may even feel better – having unburdened yourself, or released the emotional charge. More often than not, dialogue with yourself (journaling or doing an exercise) or with others will unlock new ideas and questions – providing you an opening that wasn’t available before when you were turning the thoughts over and over and over again (ad nauseum) in your head.

Values -- Awareness, Choice, Alignment

We are much more satisfied, effective, engaged, and motivated in life when we are connected to a sense of purpose and values. In every choice we make, every action we take, there are values underneath we are honoring or not. We may not be able to articulate those values, but they are there – and we reap the benefits, or pay the price, every time we are in or out of alignment with them. But it starts with conscious awareness.

When we get hungry, we eat. It may be because, for example, we value health and well-being and therefore choose to provide our bodies with sustenance; or we are simply putting food in our mouths out of habit or craving. Were we conscious or were we operating on auto-pilot?

Powerful living comes from being at choice – paying attention, evaluating the options, and choosing which we want to be/do/have (see HERE).

I am reminded of a version of the story about three bricklayers. When asked why they do the work they do, each responded respectively:

1) for the money
2) for my wife and kids
3) because I’m building a cathedral

Most would say #3 is the best answer. However, I contend that if the person identifies what has meaning for them and they choose based on what is important to them, they are in alignment with their values -- and thereby much more content and satisfied with what they are up to.

In the responses above, money might align with the values of freedom or the ability to fund education or other important endeavors; wife and kids might relate to providing a home or having more time to spend together; building a cathedral could be about higher calling or making an impact. Each response could be aligned with each person’s core values.

Get Clear About What You Value

Rank Them - Start by ranking your top 10 values in order of importance. Dig in deep to find out what those values really are about. If you place “family” as number 1, what does that really mean? Is it about connection, dedication, trust, duty, love, or a combination of these and others? Perhaps there are a few values that come out of that and can be placed on your top 10 list.

Honor Them - After you have ranked your values, place a percentage next to each one (0-100%) to indicate how much you are honoring each value currently. For instance, if “integrity” was at the top of my list, I might say I am honoring it at about 50%. Knowing that “integrity” is my number 1 value, what might I want to shift in what I’m being/doing to bring it up to 90%? Keeping it top of mind, how might I make different choices in my day-to-day to begin shifting how I approach my commitments and my follow-through?

Knowing what you are about is the first step toward living a life with intention and purpose, ultimately bringing greater rewards, satisfaction and fulfillment. Take the time to articulate them and choose - don't just act unconsciously.

Staying with the Question

Human beings tend to be very impatient. We take a look at an issue and want to jump straight to the solution or answer – especially when it comes to our personal lives – to minimize the pain and difficulty as much as we can. However, as many of us have noticed, these often don’t provide adequate resolution, because we didn’t stick long enough with the analysis phase to really get to the core of what is going on.

There is an approach from design thinking that focuses on questioning the question – taking a look at all sides, and even pondering whether we are asking the right question to begin with. By staying with the question, we open up space for innovation, reflection, and even for the answers to reveal themselves serendipitously (Einstein, among many others, have done this).

I was talking with a friend today about some significant life events and issues that we have in common. I tend to be rational and logical up-front, and have to allow some time to allow the emotions to process themselves out; in contrast, she tends to have a much more emotional response up-front, and must allow her mind to process and discover the connections over time.

As uncomfortable as it can be at times, we both know from experience that there is value in sitting in ambiguity for some time to allow for the whole picture (both internal and external) to reveal itself. If we rush too quickly to a resolution, we will most definitely have to revisit the issues over and over until we identify and deal with the many facets (mental, emotional, relational, practical, tactical, etc.) we probably glossed over.

This concept reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from Postcards from the Edge, the movie based on the Carrie Fisher novel about her and her mother, Debbie Reynolds. The scene involves Gene Hackman (playing a film director, Lowell) and Meryl Streep (playing Suzanne, an actress dealing with some tough life questions).

Lowell: Growing up isn't like in a movie where you have a realization and life changes. In life, you have a realization and your life changes a month or so later.

Suzanne: [sarcastically] So I just have to wait a month?

Lowell: It depends on the realization. Some of them you only wait a couple weeks.

Stay with the question. Don’t rush straight to easy and quick answers, as you are doing yourself a disservice. While we all want solutions and resolution right NOW, it is the question that holds much of the power. The process can be just as, if not more important than the result (a related blog entry HERE).

Offer it up to the universe; open your eyes, heart, and mind; and pay attention. Pray, journal, talk to friends, give yourself permission to be okay with the confusion and ambiguity, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. All the components of the multi-dimensional answer will reveal themselves when you allow space for them to show up.

An Honest Self-Assessment – Being Proactive Versus Reactive

Having feedback on how you are seen by others will provide you some great information, but only to a point. It is important to then take stock on your own experience to really catapult those insights to the next level. As a continuation of the previous entry on collecting 360 feedback from people in your life, consider who you are, what you want, and how satisfied you are with how you are experiencing your life.

1. Start with the Wheel of Life assessment and print it out for your own reference. Follow it up with the questions from the Results section. That could be enough to get you started.

2. Then sit down and write out at least 10 responses to complete each of these sentences. They are simply rough cuts. Don’t censor yourself – just put it all down and you can refine later. Refer to the Wheel categories to help you to think about all areas of your life.

Part A. One of my strengths is that…
Part B. Things don’t work well when…

3. Once done, take a break and allow yourself to digest what you’ve done so far. Take a walk, or even sleep on it. Celebrate that even getting this far will spark some new thoughts. It is a major achievement for you to be honest with yourself and to take a direct look at what’s going on with you.

4. Return to your Wheel and lists. Review what you have created; toss out those statements that don’t seem to fit or make sense, revise where appropriate, and add anything new that comes to mind.

5. Review your strengths from Part A regularly, especially when you are feeling stuck or discouraged. Add to your list as you realize additional ones. Ideally, your list will grow and grow over time as you become more conscious of what you bring to the table of life.

6. Look again at the list from Part B. Rewrite your most limiting problems as goals (HERE is a post that can help). It is possible to transform these problems into possible solutions. For example, the statement, “I tend to overdraw my checking account every month” could become a goal of, “I will monitor my account balances daily and decrease my spending so that I do not overdraw my checking account.”

7. Finally, do what you say you’re going to do. Take action and celebrate the results. Return to this exercise regularly so you can keep things in check.

Take stock and regain your power. By being honest with yourself and acknowledging both your strengths and areas you'd like to transform, you are placing yourself in the position to make some choices that will best serve you. In life, being proactive and not just reactive opens up so many possibilities.

360 Feedback from People in Your Life

So many of us have received 360 feedback from colleagues at work, but imagine what could be gained from getting feedback from people in our lives?

I contend that it is rare that we actually talk about who we are to them, and who they are for us. Many of us are so scared of vulnerability (see HERE), we miss out on some of those amazing moments and incredible exchanges that can truly deepen the relationship.

Consider seeking out a 360 by interviewing people in your life. Take on a mix of some easy ones and hard ones. I have done an exercise like this before, and was shocked by some of the amazing responses I got from people I didn’t expect. From the positive and complimentary, to the zingers and stingers – it was all very valuable information. And in every case, I opened up a new level of relatedness to the person that allowed future such dialogue to be much easier to initiate.

Set up the conversation (or email if you aren’t ready for something “live”) by expressing your interest in gaining insight from the people who are important to you, whose opinions you respect. Ask them to be straight-forward, and that you won’t hold anything against them. Tell them you will only need about 15 minutes of their time. Write some questions ahead of time, or use a few of these:

• What do you see as my strengths?
• What do you see as my weaknesses?
• What works in our relationship?
• What doesn’t work in our relationship?
• If I were meeting you for the first time, how would you like me to see you?
• Is there anything I’ve said or done that left you (or others) upset?
• Is there any place you feel incomplete with me? Any place you don’t feel acknowledged?
• What talents/skills do you feel I could develop more fully?
• Where do you see me in 5 years?

What is available here is a chance to open up a conversation, to rid the room of white elephants, to refresh the friendship, to create a stronger bond through transparency, and the list goes on. You might actually get some amazing insight and praise to boot!

Focus on the Process, NOT the Result

I am as guilty as anyone of getting wrapped up in the future and losing sight of the present. However, when I do become conscious of what I’m doing – robbing myself and my experience – I take a step back and say: “Hold up a minute! My life is happening right now!”

I have shared before the idea of the Be-Do-Have Model. We often get so wrapped up in the go-go-go (the do-do-do) and what we are trying to have on the other end, that we forget who we are being in the moment and what/who we want to be to create our lives and experience. We can even forget the reasons why we were pursuing all we are up to in the first place.

There is something really wonderful (and liberating) about letting go of the results-focus and recognizing that we are on a journey. There is a point to the process – to learn, to grow, to travel a path, to live in this very point in time. And when we can recognize that process as the actual objective (dare I say the real result), we open ourselves up to a whole new perspective.

Keep yourself inspired by releasing the grip on the future, and settling into the ride as what it’s all really about – the journey, not the destination. In that space, many more options may open up – even better ones that you could not have noticed in your single-mindedness – that may blow the result you were originally trying to achieve out of the water!

You Are A Creative Genius

The words “creativity” and “genius” have taken on many meanings – often reserved for those with unique intelligence and talent. However, these terms were originally intended to be far more inclusive than they have become – pointing to something we all possess.

I see creativity as an act of creation. It can take the form of an art or a science, but can also show up as any sort of innovation or divergent thought that is manifested in the world in some way. This can occur as a created moment, a relationship, or in directing a passion or belief in a particular way. It might be tender parenting, or birthing a business, or a thoughtful conversation where both parties are present and engaged.

Sometimes creation is wholly inspired and seems to simply flow; other times it can be challenge and struggle. Whatever the experience, the beauty of creativity is that we all have access to it in our own unique ways. It is the channeling of something bigger than us through us – an access to the divine created right here on earth in our experience. The origin of the word "genius" comes from this same place. The Ancient Romans did not see genius as something that a human possessed, but something that was granted from outside of us (the Gods) – directed through a human as an expression and an assistant in creation.

Each of us has creative genius available when we are able to slow down and open ourselves to our true voice (see the post: “Finding Your Voice”). Whether you believe in a higher power or not, you have the ability to tap into who you are and what you are passionate about to manifest your creative genius in the world.

For a really awesome discussion of this topic, see the video below of Elizabeth Gilbert speaking at the TED Conference in February. She wrote the well-received book, Eat, Pray, Love, and offers an inspiring, thoughtful, and often humorous perspective on bringing all of yourself to your creation. It's well worth the 19 minutes.

Decision-Making: No-Win or No-Lose

For many people, making a decision (whether big or small) can be a difficult process. Terrified of making a wrong choice or a series of mistakes, we can get stuck in analysis/paralysis – afraid to make a move and suffer the potential consequences.

We play the “what if” game of “what if I go this way and that happens… what if I go that way and it doesn’t work out…?” Am I going to get it right? What will people think? Am I going to fail? Or, even scarier, am I actually going to succeed and what will that mean? And if we can bring ourselves to make a decision, we get caught up in a nail-biting session: Did I do the right thing? Now what? Etc. etc. etc. All so exhausting!!

What about focusing on the potential wins instead? Instead of trying to be perfect and get it "right," what if we were to remember that every “mistake” is actually a ripe opportunity to learn something valuable – regardless of the outcome of our decision? This is where perspective shifting can come into play – changing your world entails changing your view on how you think about it.

Dr. Susan Jeffers, in her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, has a smart approach to decision-making. To follow is a discussion of her two models and how you can shift your perspective to assist in your decision-making process. You get to choose either No-Win or No-Lose. Based on name alone, which already seems more appealing?

Let’s first consider the No-Win Model, where we: 1) see the world through the lens of a continuous reassessment of the situation, 2) fear the future and potential mistakes, and 3) keep looking back and berating ourselves for what we “could/should” have done differently. To top it off, this can all lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing our own sense of doubt and lack of confidence – which we carry into our next decision to start the cycle over. The experience is tedious and frustrating, and is a big waste of energy and emotion. Even if we did end up with a "win," we lost peace of mind along the way.

Let’s next consider the No-Lose Model. Here, we look at the journey more than the destination. Rather than focusing on the "right/wrong" result, we choose to focus on the path as what is right. Regardless of the outcome, it's "no-lose." Throughout, we are given opportunities to have a new experience of life, to learn and grow, and to discover what we are about. We can toss out the “what if’s” and consider the potential and possibilities. Perspective is everything.

No-Lose Decision-Making Process

Before Making a Decision

1. Focus immediately on the No-Lose Model. Affirm to yourself, “I can’t lose – regardless of the outcome of the decision I make. The world is a place for opportunity, and I look forward to the opportunities for learning and growing that either pathway gives me.” Focus on what can be gained and push away thoughts of what can be lost.
2. Do your homework. Talk to the “right” people (those who support your learning and growing), seek out feedback on your plans from experts and people you trust (swallow your pride!), and get your facts straight. But don’t get caught up in perpetual research; draw a line for yourself of when enough is enough.
3. Establish your priorities. Consider your values and vision and which pathway is more in line with your overall goals for your life. Remember that we are constantly evolving and it is important to consider where you stand NOW versus where you “have always stood” or where others “think you should stand.” Pay attention and don’t be afraid of being honest with yourself.
4. Trust your impulses. After you’ve done all the research, considered your alternatives, and have come up with the logical choice, do a gut check. Don’t be afraid to trust what you feel, as the subconscious is often sending you messages as to what is “right” for you at a particular point in time. Reflect on past experiences of when you did or did not make choices in alignment with your impulses/instincts/gut – and how those turned out. That alone might give you the confidence to move forward, or even to go back and reevaluate. There are no right or wrong choices, just different ones.
5. Lighten up. Nothing is as significant as you are making it. If the results of your decision do not go according to “plan,” so what! You can always sort it out…you always have! This is all part of the journey in life. Chill out and go with it.

After Making a Decision

1. Throw away your picture. You can’t control the outcome nor predict the future, so let go of your expectations and image of how it’s “supposed” to go. The more freedom you give yourself, and the more space you give the choice, the easier it will be for you to roll with the process and journey.
2. Accept total responsibility for your decisions. If you can own your choice, you can own your learning as well. Blaming others will not offer you the ripe opportunity for growth, and will put you in a "victim mode." Even if you were operating on information from another, the ultimate choice was yours. Own it and you can own the opportunities it afforded you.
3. Don’t protect, correct. Commit and follow-through with everything you can. But don’t become so fixated on the choice that you are unwilling to recognize when a course correction is necessary…or even more wisely, when it is time to choose something different. Ego and attachment can only hurt you here. Give up your desire to look good, and your fear of looking bad if you change direction. Ultimately, it is the quality of your life experience at stake.

If you really, really, really want to put yourself through the wringer and feel terrible throughout the process, you can choose the…

No-Win Decision-Making Process

Before Making a Decision

1. Focus on the No-Win Model.
2. Listen to your mind drive you crazy.
3. Paralyze yourself with anxiety as you try to predict the future.
4. Don’t trust your impulses – listen to what everyone else thinks.
5. Feel the heaviness of having to make a decision.

After Making a Decision

1. Create anxiety by trying to control the outcome.
2. Blame someone else if it doesn’t work out as you pictured.
3. If it doesn’t work out, keep wondering if it would have been better the other way.
4. Don’t correct if the decision is “wrong” – you have too much invested.

It’s completely up to you. However, the No-Lose Process seems far less painful.

Are You Really Listening? Probably Not.

Imagine what it would be like if you felt heard – not just listened to, but like someone fully got what you were communicating. Now, flip that around. When was the last time you fully heard someone else?

So much emphasis is placed on messaging and oratory skills. But very little time and energy is spent on developing facility with the act of listening. Some people are simply gifted with this skill, but more often than not, listening must be practiced and developed. It requires that the person on the receiving end is able to turn off that inner voice/critic to consciously absorb the words and messages that are being sent.

When I went through coaching training, a great amount of the focus was on the varying levels of listening. They were broken down as follows:

• Level I is internal – we hear the words, but the focus is on what they mean to us
• Level II is focused – the attention is about listening for something…focused over there, on the other person
• Level III is conscious and global – it is hearing that picks up the various nuances underlying the communication, including sensory data (emotion, body language, mood, pace, energy level), and the context and environment.

Most of the time, people are listening at Level I. Hopefully, they are at least hearing the words that are being spoken, but often they are disconnected, evaluating or judging the message (they think they are hearing!), or thinking about what they will say next.

Level II and III listening are so much more powerful. It is not about passively hearing, but about taking action through listening. In those experiences, you are not only connecting to the actual message as it was intended, but to the person him/herself. In that space, you open up the ability to co-create a true dialogue where each person feels heard, valued, and respected. Finally, by modeling active listening, you are encouraging the other person to listen actively as well.

Here are some suggestions.

• W.A.I.T. – “Why am I talking?” is a great question to ask yourself when you feel compelled to interject. Is what you're saying or about to say really contributing? Are you piggybacking or stealing the topic (“I can completely relate. It reminds me of the time…”)? Or are you simply trying to show how smart or compassionate you are?
• Curiosity – If you find your mind wandering because you are not fully engaged or are even confused, bring curiosity to the table. Refocus your attention on more than just the words and try to deeply listen for what is going on over there in the speaker’s world. Ask questions to delve deeper into the topic.
• Be other-directed – Focus on the person communicating. Follow and understand the speaker as if you were walking in their shoes. Listen with your ears but also with your eyes and other senses.
• Be aware – Non-verbally acknowledge to yourself points in the speech. Let the argument or presentation run its course. Don't agree or disagree, but encourage the train of thought.
• Be involved – Actively respond to questions and directions. Use your body position (e.g. lean forward) and attention to encourage the speaker and signal your interest.

These may seem obvious, but most people don’t bring this level of listening to their conversations. Consider for a moment that what you thought was listening is actually just hearing. Like a scientist, throw out your assumptions and ego and assume that you are not well-adept at listening. Think about what you could shift when in the moment, and practice being present with your ears and heart open. By simply changing your focus, you may discover something new about the message or even about the person.

Do something • Learn something • Share something • Change something

In the spirit of my last entry on "Craving Connection," I found this awesome resource that provides opportunities for people to find/meet like-minded people. This great site, called MeetUp.com, allows you to search by region/city/zip and topic for groups that fit your areas of interest. From hiking groups to dining clubs to business networking, this site has it all.

An additional feature is the ability to create a new group from scratch. Perhaps you have been wanting to create a coffee tasting club or a group for new moms. Here's your chance to put it out there and see what kind of response you get. If there is enough interest, you could coordinate a meeting. The best part: just because you came up with the idea doesn't mean that you have to lead the whole thing. Just start the ball rolling and enroll others into driving it.

Put yourself out there! Invent something new! Here's your opportunity to create connections!

Craving Connection

In this world of constant “connection” through technology, we are desperately craving intimacy. We want to create genuine connections that allow us to feel closer to the people in our lives.

Tech has done wonders for our ability to link up with old and new friends, particularly through online social networking. As many know, there is a huge trend on Facebook of people sharing 25 random things about themselves. What is so intriguing about this is the way that it creates a sense of connection to the authors. People share their wit, their hearts, their uniqueness in each entry that help us feel closer to them in some way. We are reminded of some of those quirky things that make that person so attractive to us. Or we discover new things about someone we don’t know very well.

However, there is something missing here. We have instant messenger, texting, social networking, email, etc. to keep in frequent contact with friends and family. But how often do we have a live conversation? Sure, it can be easier to shoot off a series of emails or have a chat on IM, but it costs us something. We rely so heavily on tech to keep up, but we are missing out on what is created in the live human exchange. There needs to be a balance. We need to move away from the screen and into rich dialogue. No emoticons to convey tone. Instead: real inflection and expressions.

Consider how you might be able to create live conversations with friends and family. That may be in the form of a telephone call, or even better, an actual face-to-face. It might require a plane flight to do it, but you are creating an opportunity for richer relationships that are less high tech, and more high touch. I’m still a huge fan of Facebook and all our great communication tools. However, I want to see us break out of this habit of living many of our friendships in front of a computer – and making the effort to create those live interactions that deepen our connections.

Vulnerability

One of our deepest fears is being truly vulnerable. We all want to look good, to appear like we “have it all together,” and to not let anyone know that we may be hurting or struggling. How American! But there is something available to you and to others when you allow yourself to enter that vulnerable space.

When I talk about being vulnerable, I’m referring to that lay-it-on-the-line, put yourself out there honesty and risk that goes with sharing your whole self with someone else. It might be with one person, such as in a romantic situation, or with a group where you are disclosing something deeply personal, or even with yourself by admitting a hard truth that may feel difficult to be with.

When you are able to be honest with yourself, you are allowing an opportunity for growth. You may discover a blind spot or an attribute/attitude/opinion that is getting in your way. When you choose to share with others, you are not only letting them in and giving them a chance to connect with you, but you are creating space for them to be honest and vulnerable with you and/or with others. You may even be speaking something that resonates strongly for them, even if they are not able to admit it to themselves or you. By being bold and courageous, you demonstrate something powerful and give others permission to do it in their own lives.

I tend to be fairly public about what I’m going through in my personal life. With specific friends, I share so that I can get their input and perspective, and even open the door for them to reveal some things I can’t see for myself. On a larger stage, I try to disclose some uncomfortable truths as a way to practice vulnerability, and to create that space for others to feel safe with me (and maybe even others!) to share themselves more openly and honestly.

Consider for yourself when you notice your walls going up. What are your fears? What is stopping you? Where might you summon some courage and speak your truth? You may be surprised to find that the response you get is not the one you feared.

Finding Your Voice

I have been in an inquiry lately about finding Voice. Voice can be defined as your calling; your “true self” expressed; who you are meant to be in this world and lifetime. It includes the four aspects of ourselves: the mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Dr. Stephen Covey (distinguished author, speaker and consultant) notes that each of us is internally motivated to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy. Ultimately, this is what drives us in our pursuits, even if we aren’t fully aware of it. Covey offered up these questions to help distinguish the different facets of ourselves that make up Voice:

1. Mind: What are you good at?
2. Heart: What do you love doing?
3. Body: What need can you serve?
4. Spirit: What is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do?

Consider these questions for yourself. They are very meaty and take some honest introspection and reflection. This is a gradual process, but the key point is to set yourself on the path. What might you, your family and friends, your community, and the world gain from you taking the time to explore how you can fully share your Voice?

On a Personal Note

This topic is a priority for me. I am still finding my Voice. I have invested many years in my own personal and professional development, have defined my larger purpose (I have a mission statement I’m happy to share), and have expanded as a human being in so many ways. But I am still tentative in my full self-expression because of my propensity to be a “good boy.” I want to look good, be good, do good, and not hurt anyone along the way. So, I find myself repressing at times when my Voice is aching to be heard. It not only is a detriment to me, but is ultimately robbing the planet of who I was born to be. As I continue on this journey, I’ll share what occurs for me that may be of service to you.

More, Better, Different

When setting goals, I have seen clients and friends say they want more of something or for things to get better or be different. This can show up as wanting to lose more weight, make more money, or get a better job. However, by being vague, it is difficult to know when you have achieved your objective. And it is also challenging to create specific, measurable action steps to get there if you don’t know exactly where there is.

Consider declaring something specific. For example, instead of saying you want to make more money this year, define it as a specific amount and consider ways you can make it happen. This might be in the form of spending less through budgeting (net effect: more money in savings), or in taking on X number of clients, or creating a new job situation. Whatever the goal, set yourself up to win by being clear about what you are going after.

Remember SMART Goal Setting:

S – specific
M – measurable
A – achievable, action-oriented
R – realistic, relevant
T – time-bound, trackable

I have a PowerPoint deck I’m happy to share with you that explains this more fully if you’d like a copy. Send me an email to info@judahkurtz.com and I’ll pass it along.

Want Success in 2009?

A client of mine after the New Year said to me: “So I did the “Looking Back, Looking Forward” exercise [find it HERE]… now what?” Here are some thoughts about how to approach this:

Looking Back

My own coach has four questions that help to put closure around 2008 - so you can powerfully put the past behind you and move ahead into 2009. It can be applied to this portion of the exercise.

1) What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
2) What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
3) What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
4) What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Take some time to write down these answers and share them with someone you are close to. That will help to close out 2008.

Looking Forward

As for 2009, how to go about it is up to you. This portion of the exercise is about creating a vision of what you want to be/do/have for the coming year. Some are continuations of something you have already been doing (keep smoke-free, continue going to the gym 2x a week), or might be new activities (be open to taking risks, take a vacation, lose 10 pounds).

Here are some suggestions for keeping your goals alive for yourself:

1) Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.

2) Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.

3) Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. You don’t have to go it alone!

4) Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it.

5) Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. See more explanation of this HERE. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.

Once again, these are not New Year's resolutions. Rather, they are what you want for yourself and your life for 2009. If you got even 10% of your Looking Forward goals, wouldn't it still be an amazing year?

No Go on "Resolutions?" Donate to Charity!

Now that we are two weeks into the year, it is worth discussing how best to keep those commitments, goals, etc., that you set for yourself at the beginning of the year. Like I said in a previous entry, I prefer not to call them "resolutions" as that word is loaded with expectation/disappointment.

I ran into an article on Springwise.com (find it HERE) that discusses a great tool for sticking with those New Year's commitments - or more specifically, creating a palatable consequence for not fulfilling on them. Here's a piece of it:

Tallinn-based Pledgehammer gives people a way to make their resolutions public, whether it's stopping smoking, losing 20 lbs. or—to take an example from the more than 100 on the site—taking better care of one's tractor. When they make their pledge, users are asked to choose a deadline—say, by a year from today—as well as some amount of money to give to charity should they fail to keep their promise. Members of the site can create profiles and then post updates of their progress toward their goal over time, as well as cheering other people's efforts.

Opening Up Space

Sometimes we just have way too much going on – so much so that we find that we just don’t have the capacity to focus on all that is important to us. We feel tired, stretched, and maybe even unfulfilled or ineffective. This is the time to take a look at commitments and see if they are still in alignment with what we want and who we want to be. If the glass is already full, anything added will cause it to spill. And if added with enough force, the glass may even crack and break. The metaphor points to the idea that if we try to do it all – and then some – we could overload to a breaking point. But we don't want it to get to that, so something needs to give.

Take a look at all that you are saying “yes” and “no” to. It might be commitments at work, home, in your social life, or even in your love life. Make a list in two columns. Then evaluate whether they are still commitments you want to keep. Consider distractions as well, such as physical or mental clutter (see a description HERE) as areas where you may also be saying “yes/no.”

Consider where you might be able to eliminate anything that is no longer working for you. Some things may be simple, like cleaning out a closet, or dropping membership to a committee. Other areas may be more complicated, such as a friendship that has run its course or a job that no longer fits your values. Do some reflection on how to be more vigilant about taking care of yourself by not over-committing, saying “yes” because you feel you should or will look bad if you “no,” and of course being thoughtful/respectful in how you decline.

But keep in mind: even in situations that might feel difficult to change, if you open up space in your life (time, energy, physical space), you are opening up the capacity for those things (a new job, a new relationship, rest/rejuvenation) that will better serve you in the long run. Without that space, you could not only miss it when it crosses your path, but when you do see it, you simply won’t have the room for it.

New Year's Exercise: Looking Back, Looking Forward

I do an exercise every year (at New Year's and/or at birthdays) with clients that has two components: looking back at your successes and the things you've learned over the year, and looking forward toward what you’d like to create and undertake in the coming year. I do this in lieu of New Year's resolutions, as I believe resolutions have a very strong stigma that leaves people feeling as if they have failed in some way if they don't achieve them.

Here's what you do:

Create two separate lists: 1) Looking Back and 2) Looking Forward. Relax and reflect, without judgment, and record your thoughts. This can be a work in progress and can be revised at different points throughout the year – it should be a live document that evolves as you do.

Some tips:

• Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
• Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching."
• Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
• Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
• Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

Lastly, here are some topics that you may want to include (for both lists) so that you can broaden your scope beyond losing weight and making more money:

• Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
• Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
• Health: mental, physical
• Relationship: friends, family
• Love: romance, partnership, dating
• Personal growth
• Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
• Community: contribution, involvement
• Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
• Fun and recreation
• Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
• Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
• Miracles: if something amazing and unexpected were to happen this year…

Continue on to Part II of this exercise HERE.